Here Lies 2011, May She Rest in Peace

There are two paths to choose from on December 31st. Some people like to reflect on the past year: what they've learned, how they grew, good memories, regrets, etc. Others prefer to look forward to the new year, tell themselves how much better it's going to be than the previous year and resolve to do and/or change some things.

I'm going to do both.

But I'm primarily a Reflector. And I realized something these past couple days: though my day-by-day experience made it seem like life was passing me by sometimes, I experienced enough some days to change a lot- or, at the very least, what I feel is a lot.

All of it has its roots in my dad's death. To be concise, it devastated me; it was probably the closest I've ever come to depression in my life. I started dating Husband a few months later and discovered about 5 weeks into our relationship that I was going to marry him; he (briefly) broke off our engagement around a year later. My grades went straight down the toilet and stayed there right through my last semester at UCF until we were married.

I was officially a flunkie and college drop out. I had no idea what kind of career path I wanted to take. My only job experience had been working at a daycare center for a little more than minimum wage for around 5 years. I was apparently unlovable by my ex?fiance/husband, I ended a friendship I had for years, and the only kindred soul I've ever known had passed away, leaving me feeling more alone in life than ever.

I thought marriage would change that; I thought I could never feel lonely again because I had found The One. Even if nobody else was around, there would be an understanding partner next to me in bed at night, someone I could share with.

I quickly learned that a spouse is not enough to abate loneliness. (Let me briefly disclaim that by saying that, while he's made mistakes and hurt me- and I, him- my husband is better than amazing.) Husband simply wasn't designed to meet all of my companionship needs. I could never be content to stay home, alone, all day- cleaning, doing chores, or enjoying leisure time- to have only Husband to communicate with at the end of the day. Women need other women friendships.

So I nervously set out to make some friends. It's proven challenging since none of Husband's co-workers/friends seem to care much for me ("Is it all the Jesus?" I've wondered from time to time) unless I'm drunk (a one time affair that left me feeling even worse because I knew I would never be the type to compromise what I believe in order to make fake friends). When Husband and I walk up to them, he is addressed; I am not. When we leave, he is always spoken to; I rarely am. If I want any sort of attention from them, I have to fight to join the conversation. After a ribbing joke I made one night was met with silence, I sobbed the entire drive home about how nobody liked me and I'd never have any friends.

And, honestly, church has been no easier. I joined the choir, but clear lines seem to have been established already (excepting in one or two kind ladies), and most of them are fairly older than I am. The ones who are not, are younger- not by much, but by enough. And it's a large church- easy to be ignored if one keeps their head down.

And I do. I keep my head down because the past few years have told me that I am unlikeable, that I am too serious or too shy. That I am abrasive in some way. That people naturally do not like me. (This, sadly, runs too deep in my heart, as a night of card games and lemonade vodka convinced me that nobody in North Carolina liked me and nobody in Florida did, either.)

So I looked at my life resume, and I wondered where it all went wrong. People used to shout my name when I entered a room; I was always greeted. Now hardly anyone notices me. I was smart and talented, and I had achieved some pretty great things in community college; my most recent grades would tell a different story. I was always so confident; this year, I doubted my self-worth more than I ever had.

But somewhere along the line, I began spending more time talking to God. I've never been very consistent or dedicated to my prayer life, but this year He's been my constant companion when there has been no one else. Now I know I am precious and likeable and worth something because my Creator has told me so. Even when I cried, in lemonade vodka soaked despair, that nobody liked me, I could still remember that God always likes me. He's been my Comforter this year, more than ever. And deeper intimacy with God is something I can take away from 2011 that makes all my tears worth it.

I do still want and need! to make friends, so I have signed up to participate in a lifegroup with our church this year, and I am determined to give life (by giving Christ!) this year by volunteering more, hopefully with a lifegroup. Because I know that if I do things I'm passionate about, I'll make the kind of friends I'm looking for. :)

Happy New Year, everyone! Enjoy 2012 as much as I'm determined to!

Xoxo.