The ever awkward and daunting first post

Warning: I don't have any kind of layout plan for this post. I think my intention was to ramble off random facts about myself in order to better acquaint my readers (however few I have- and regardless of whether or not they care) with myself.

But there are a lot of unasked questions when you start a blog. At least, if you began a blog impulsively- as I have done- you probably didn't ask yourself some deep questions, such as: "what in the world am I going to write about?" "What unique thoughts do I have to offer the blogosphere?" The answer here is probably "none". "What if I'm not interesting?" or "How honest and raw will I decide to be? How polished and guarded?" Luckily, I think I may have some answers to the questions I didn't think to ask myself until after I created this blog. For instance, "stuff," "whether they are unique or not they're still mine" and "oh well." But the last question, I confess, has me stumped.

Honesty- naked honesty- seems to be in short supply these days (if, to be told, it ever was en vogue). Would simply "being real" generate traffic? Unlikely, if the subject matter isn't equally stimulating; after all, nobody cares about how I carefully sift through my Lucky Charms to separate the cereal from the marshmallows. But few people, I think, are really honest about deeper things: struggles they're going through (have you noticed how few people ever seem to need help?), shame or guilt, character flaws. As socially conscious people, I think we tend to hide or cover up anything others might consider unattractive; the Italians call it bella figura, but it's likely your mother drilled it into your brain by reminding you to "put your best foot forward". The underlying message, I think, would be clear: 'always smile; don't ever let on that something's wrong.'
I see this all the time in church. When people greet each other, you can count on most interactions playing out similar to the following: 'hi; how are you?' 'I'm great; how about yourself?' 'I'm great, too, thanks.' 'Great.' It's as if nothing can be wrong unless we want others to think we're less-than-perfect Christians.


Now herein lies the hypocrisy: I do that. Even if I'm lying through my teeth (in a church!) I tell people, in some variation of "well", that the positive is outweighing the negative. Sticklers will probably argue: 'isn't that always the case?! Although you may be going through the fire right now, look at all your blessings!!' I concede the point; however, though that may be the case, sometimes the negative weighs too heavily on our minds, on our hearts, and on our spirits for us to smile and say that we're doing 'great'.
 
I digress. I'm dishonest. I'm dishonest because I'm afraid of the backlash, of judgment. Adding another layer to our hypocrisy parfait, I am incredibly judgmental; why? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm judgmental because I was taught that 'God doesn't want us to do these things because they're bad.' But my little brain took it further: if people are defined by their actions, then it made sense to reason that people who did bad things were, themselves, bad. It's not hard to see how that kind of thought process, combined with a crippling insecurity and a shaky sense of self-worth, fosters a smug sense of superiority. I could justify looking down my nose at people who just weren't as good as me. I probably became my most intolerable in high school, to be honest. It saddens me now to think of how disgusting my behavior probably seemed to God, in addition to anyone who was on the receiving end of it. I would reason that I steered clear of the "big" sins: 'I don't drink or smoke ANYTHING, and I am saving myself for marriage. I might have a problem with cursing, but otherwise I am such a good person.' Were any of my actions grounded in love for God or others? I doubt it. I was too busy stacking myself up against others' behaviors, and I was passing with flying colors.

I got two wake-up calls in two very different manners. First of all, I found out certain people did certain things. (Honesty will be somewhat suspended when the information is not mine to share.) I remember actually being shocked; how naive. My thought process may have sounded a little like this: 'What?? But- but I thought that person was good!! There's no way they could have done that!! They can't be bad! I know they're good!' I couldn't reconcile the information I had with my perception of the person. How ridiculous is that? My second slap from reality was when I started realizing all my glaringly obvious flaws, sins, and mistakes. A good person- ME!- did something bad! I was currently doing something bad- or, at the very least, I wasn't being truly righteous! Was I still a good person? I didn't know. But what I do know is that it isn't my place to label people as "good" or "bad". I mean, c'mon! THAT is definitely in the Bible! How was I ignoring that this whole time? I need to be more busy with how I conduct my own life than worrying about whether or not I am "better" than someone else. What did I think?- that God only had room for so many people in Heaven, and we were all competing for spots?? 'Sorry, but you've just missed the cut-off by 3 good works/sins. Looks like you're hell-bound.' Maybe I was competing. But why??


I suppose the gist of this post was to expose something I have been grappling with in the past few years. Or my whole life; however you want to view it. At least, that's the first prong. My second is as follows: an apology to those I wronged- and to God for playing His role as Judge- and a request for forgiveness. I was a stupid, self-righteous girl with no love in her heart, and I didn't show anyone the kind of love or respect I ought to have. I'm sorry. I ask that, in the future, you be patient with me when I relapse into old ways and gently restore me. Thank you for being a better person than me.